GameCola Blog
Tags used on this page: Meteo Xavier. Controversy. Pedophile. Atheist. Hitler fanatic. Jesus killer. Baby seal masturbator. Quasisexual Muslim Priest. Footstool. Kanye West. Dear Readers, Go Fuck Yourself, Falkland Islands, A Warm Place, Monty Python's Just a cup of poo, th lego_rock_band Richo_Rosai Dragonball_Z cameo E3 Monkey_Island Telltale_Games Legos Harry_Potter Left_4_Dead Alan_Wake guitar_hero_rock_band Michael_Gray_is_totally_out_of_it_but_he's_still_a_sex_god_so_he's_not_worried_about_it Halloween costumes Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god Nancy_Drew Danger_on_Deception_Island nancy_drew haunted_carousel flirty_comments
Posted by Meteo Xavier
Tags: Meteo Xavier. Controversy. Pedophile. Atheist. Hitler fanatic. Jesus killer. Baby seal masturbator. Quasisexual Muslim Priest. Footstool. Kanye West. Dear Readers, Go Fuck Yourself, Falkland Islands, A Warm Place, Monty Python's Just a cup of poo, th
I'm not going to argue the tenements to which that choice was made because I knew well-in-advance I was scraping that border in the first place and I could do no less than accept whatever consequences come of it, however I do feel that choice was made in light of misrepresentation - which is interesting considering how long I've been here working with all of you and how many of you should know better.
My text was not a serious rant. I was not seriously angry with anyone, I was just touching on the fact that the only people who seem to support us are us. I have rarely, if ever, seen of or heard of reader contributions, so to me it just looks like we're busting our ass to build a new page for readers who probably don't care in the first place. I genuinely feel that way, but not nearly to a vitriolic point such as what was satirically designed for my writing assignment.
You have to understand something here: I'm Meteo Xavier. Its my JOB to write things that are way outside of very conventional formats with an edge to it, whatever that edge may be. I have not contributed to Gamecola in many months and I was in decent danger of returning dull and uninspired. That's what happens when you get out of shape for 1/3 of a year.
I do apologize that it caused some miscommunications, but I really don't want to apologize for going overboard. I'd rather overdo it and prove I still have some edge and artistic integrity and idea than to under-do it. If I'm not writing something that is outrageous, causes genuine stimulus and excitement and really grabs your attention through deft creativity and intensity (such as attacking the readers, something no one else would think to do after semi-retirement in this industry), then I'm quite simply not doing my job. I have to be angry and inspire debate and controversy and unpredictability to some degree or I'm not doing my job to set Gamecola apart from everyone else on the block. Gamecola's unique integrity and distinction it worth more than my pity pride any day of the week, and I'll gladly be the unlikable asshole to add some more dimension to such a tight-knit group and web site.
And on that note, here is the rant so offensive that you pussies couldn't handle it. Enjoy!]
Dear Readers,
We love you, we really do, we can't really justify it right now by finishing the new site.
Oh, and the fits of ire and the groans of impudence... I myself am personally lovin' it, as I'm sure you do as you haven't had to say "Ugh, Meteo... skip ahead to Michael Gray..." since early Summer. My life since June has been so ridiculously, conceptually incestuously messed up that output in the video game world just would not happen without great sacrifice (and I'm talking roasting sperm whales over open flames as virgins the world over menstrate into paraplegia to Baal type of sacrifice). Just to illustrate; one week ago a routine doctor inspection of "what the hell is this thing on my back?" turned into minor but immediate surgery. I was literally lying in a pool of my own blood for 20 minutes. Face down. The irony of this being that I ended up going under the knife for a cancer related surgery the same time my MOM did 5 minutes away. True story. Also, the novella I did? Fucking failed. There's just no way to do a deep, weird, awesome, character driven epic in under 60 pages (as per the publishers' request) - much like its impossible to physically and literally be two or more places at the same time... but I DID IT, and the fucker still didn't take it, because it was EXACTLY what he wanted.
Needless to say (yet it will be said, ohhhh you bet your fuckin' ASS I'll say it!) I've been busy. We've been busy. You've been busy. My album STILL isn't done yet (it's actually taken longer at this point to get it put together than it has been to compose it.) This is life. This is what happens on Earth.
But, hey, since I finally get to have a heart-to-heart with you, the readers, I can come right out and say it:
Who the fuck are you to get apologies from us?
Really, why do we have to answer to you for anything? What have you done for us lately? When was the last time you rated and commented our blog posts? When was the last time you posted in our forums? When was the last time you donated money to our cause? Don't give me that "Are you there, God? It's me, Meteo..." shit, you readers know as well as we do you sit on your cystic asses holding back nose bleeds from your high horses and nobody can say anything. Please. You're not royalty here. If anything, you're the video game journalistic equivalent to livestock; we've just been polite about it - but hey, give you an inch...
If EGM had the balls to tell you to your face how profoundly useless you people are to our industry, it would still be alive today. YOU, yes, YOU are whats dragging down our industry. We do all the work, you get all the benefits... at our cost! So go fuck yourself! Right now! Get your ass out on the street and just start fucking yourself for all to see! Oh you need some help? Sure, we can do that! We can get Zach and Christian and Jeddy and Michael Ridge, but not Michael Gray since he's pretty much running this site with one hand tied behind his ass, and even sweet, gullible Nathanial Hoover and we'll ALL come out and just starting fucking you right there in the street for all to see!!
But hey... We love you, we really do. That's why even though we don't technically have a working site right now, we're STILL providing content: here in the blogs section, our Youtube page, our Facebook page and Our Mysp.... do we have a Myspace? I don't know, I don't ever look at that shit, but its up there and its waiting for your spoiled, H1N1 infected ass to check out.
What is there to see? Let's look.
EarthBound, by Paul:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=10F11F1F0D2459FC
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Two videos for the Flash game Dodge, as part of my Flash Flood collection:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=7F7297E4F696E11F
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The GameCola Podcast #16: Ratchet & Clank (and Michael), by Michael Ridgaway:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=37334BDAD644BCCE
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The GameCola Podcast #17: Casting Our Own Pods (not currently available, but will be by the time your Dear Readers hits), by Paul, Lizo, Matt Jonas, Michael Gray, and me:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=9B0EB366DF782920
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Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney: Investigations demo, by Michael Gray:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=676D5017336A0BF4
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Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Episode 5: Rise from the Ashes, by Michael Gray:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=A94C8737384EDF72
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Random videos for The Adventures of Willy Beamish, by Michael Gray:
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=2F9E6CB49B2563B6
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At this point, Paul wants me to promise you that the new site is getting worked on. Well, I can do that, but you didn't earn that promise. We're working on the site and its getting done whenever it fucking gets done. If you want it done faster, why not show some support by posting for all the many writers here, or donating to the site and Paul's cause?
Just fucking do it.
- Meteo Xavier
Posted by Paul Franzen
Tags: lego_rock_band
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: Richo_Rosai Dragonball_Z cameo
I was watching a DragonBall Z DVD with Japanese subtitles the other day...and it looks like the class is studying about GameCola staff member Richo Rosai, who writes "Low Rent Adventures in Japan"!
Coincidence? Unlikely. Looks like Richo has some very devoted fans!
Posted by Paul Franzen
Tags: E3 Monkey_Island Telltale_Games Legos Harry_Potter Left_4_Dead Alan_Wake untagged
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: guitar_hero_rock_band Michael_Gray_is_totally_out_of_it_but_he's_still_a_sex_god_so_he's_not_worried_about_it
Yesterday, I went back to campus to give someone a birthday present, and I finally got to see this phenomenon known as "Guitar Hero Rock Band". Apparently, it involves pressing five buttons when the screen tells you to. Sort of like Dance Dance Revolution or various "follow the pattern" minigames we've seen over the years. Only it comes with a fake guitar, which looks kinda cool.
Not only is there a guitar, but there's also a drum set to play, just like in Nancy Drew (at 4:30) or Donkey Konga. Finishing off the band is the guy on a microphone, although I'm not sure what the microphone does.
I recognized about two of the songs they had on the set list, but that's to be expected, because I've only heard of those famous rock bands like Metallica and Areasmith and Rage Against the Machine and, um...the Beatles. I know they exist, and that they're famous, but I have no idea what songs they play. So I wasn't a big fan of the song selections, but like I said, that was to be expected.
In conclusion, Guitar Hero Rock Band is an okay game, but it's not the game for me. I'll stick to playing piano for my music fix. I might look into Wii Music someday, but Captain Eric warned against it, so I probably won't.
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: Halloween costumes Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god
Halloween is this Friday. Still haven't found a good costume yet? Never fear, there are tons of video game characters you can dress up as! Check out this video and get inspiration for your very own video game-based Halloween costume!
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: Nancy_Drew Danger_on_Deception_Island Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god
Hey everyone! I just got finished making a video walkthrough for Nancy Drew: Danger on Deception Island, because six people asked me to do it. Gosh, those Nancy Drew fans can get pushy sometimes.
Here's a funny part of the game for all of you non-Nancy Drew fans to enjoy. It's at 5:55 to 6:16 in this video, where Nancy is talking with the Hardy Boys, and Joe Hardy unleashes an awesome insult on his brother. Enjoy!
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: Nancy_Drew Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god
Hey, everyone! My latest video guide for Nancy Drew: Secret of the Old Clock is availabe on Youtube and Pwnordie! One of my random fans requested I do this game, so I did it.
Boy, was that ever a dumb idea. This game pretty much sucks. It's a lot of running around as a delivery boy, and minigames that are way too hard. Hard as in it takes ten times (or more) of replaying the minigames before you can beat them.
I feel like writing a review of this game next month, just so I can trash it.
The record for "worst part of the game" goes to the golfing minigame, which took over a half-hour to beat. See parts 6, 7, 8 and 9 and laugh at my pathetic golfing skills, if you want.
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: Nancy_Drew Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god
Hey, everyone! In a surprise move that will surely win me the EoTM this month (hint, hint), I've made a video guide for Nancy Drew: The Phantom of Venice. The whole project clocks in at around three hours and forty-five minutes, and contains gems like a giant pigeon attack at the very end of this video.
In related news, I bought an A/V cable which will supposedly hook up to my Wii, thereby letting me make these video guides for Wii and Gamecube games. I'm thinking about doing the two Fire Emblem games, Zack and Wiki, and, of course, Baroque if this works.
Posted by Michael Gray
Tags: nancy_drew haunted_carousel flirty_comments Michael_Gray_is_a_sex_god
Hey, GameCola fans! I just finished my video guide for Nancy Drew: The Haunted Carousel! Parts Nine through Fourteen are now up, so make sure to watch if you like to see me play the game, make fun of it, die a lot and explain how to do things.
Also, I don't know if it's a trend, but I seem to be getting some flirty comments on the videos! Who knows, maybe we'll have a new "Gamer Girlfriend" column on GameCola before long! Woo hoo!