You know, getting that sneak preview of Miles Edgeworth Investigations was so cool that I decided GameCola should do a preview for another game. After asking Captain Eric and his Psychic Thumbs for help, I came across an interesting game which is not yet in development, but will probably be soon.

Celebrity Dating Wii is a no-brainer for your Christmas list this year, and I mean that literally.  The game is based off two simple concepts:

1. People like dating games.
2. People like celebrities.

So what happens when you put the two together? You get pure gaming madness, that's what!

Have you ever wanted to go out with Jack Nicholson?  Marry Paris Hilton?  Break up with Nick from the Backstreet Boys just so you could tell him, "Quit playing games with my heart?"  Well, now you can do all those things and more!  Celebrity Dating Wii contains all your favorite celebrities like Harrison Ford, Marilyn Monroe and that guy from The Office.

Experience the joy of dating someone whom you could never, ever date in real life. Marvel at how our country's celebrity obsession has turned us into a nation of stalkers! Come up with all sorts of crazy celebrity pairings, like Britney Spears and Will Ferrell, or Tom Cruise and a human female!  All this and more in Celebrity Dating Wii, made exclusively for the PS3. Pre-order today!

The year is 1990. George H.W. Bush is in office, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are the biggest thing around, and a young Michael Ridgaway is playing a “A Boy and His Blob” on his recently acquired Nintendo Entertainment System. He is thoroughly perplexed as to how the game should work, and his various tip books and magazines offer only scant pieces of advice. Soon the game will be returned to the video rental store and will go down in his memory as an undefeated enemy, forever to haunt him as a dense and unknowable mystery.

Alright, maybe that’s a little melodramatic, but that game required far more brain power than my little frame, though already incredibly advance and sexy for a seven year old, could muster. In the game, you played a boy exploring the caves beneath your house with your faithful alien friend Blob, an amorphous pile of white goo able to change into a wide variety of objects when fed jelly beans. The end goal of this was to collect treasure so you could buy more jelly beans, then travel to the home world of Blob and defeat the evil tyrant that had taken over the once peaceful planet. The main hitch, however, was that there was no manual, so I had no idea what the jelly beans did and would just spend 10 minutes staring at a room in confounded frustration, only to quickly expire or trap myself when I tried anything. Also, I would get hopelessly lost in these caves, unable to find my way out before I died and had to start over. Throughout the years I sometimes considered going back to it, but there was always something newer and more fun that I would rather play.

So when I heard that Wayforward Technologies was releasing an updated version of the game for the Wii, I saw it as an opportunity to lay some old ghosts to rest and resolve my longstanding grudge with its predecessor.  To be honest, I’m not sure it was worth it, and here’s why:

-I expected this game to be over WAY earlier than it was. From the outset, the game seemed like it would take no more than three or four hours to beat, but that eventually turned into 8-10 hours. By the time that happened I was already involved and wanted to keep going, but all I really desired was to get the damn thing over with.

-Twitchy controls. Nothing can ruin a game like twitchy controls. The boy always seems to be accidentally falling off ledges, hitting spikes or enemies (one hit still kills him), or otherwise mucking up my idea on how to solve the puzzle at hand. Add to that the fact that there are a number of bosses that require quick reflexes, something that the Boy is severely lacking in, and you have a very frustrating situation.

-The Blob is constantly falling behind or getting lost, and to retrieve him the Boy must whistle or call his name three times in a row. This happens every thirty seconds or so, especially in the later levels, and will make you want to stab your ear drums out so you don’t have to listen to it anymore. Imagine if Navi from Ocarina of Time and Baby Mario from Yoshi’s Island had a super annoying kid, and you would have The Boy.

That being said, I will admit there are a few things to recommend this game:

-A lovely visual and musical style. The graphics are whimsical and succeed in evoking childhood memories of the original why while being crisp and colorful. Albeit some of the backgrounds, specifically those of the Blob’s home world, can be a little creepy looking, for the most part the game is quite pretty to look at. Additionally, the music is quite well orchestrated and tailored to fit each stage, from soothing melodies for the early, slow-paced, forest levels to up-tempo, vivacious allegros for levels where the Boy is zooming around in a bubble or on a rocket.

-A much improved learning scale. In this version, the Boy receives an infinite amount of jelly beans, but certain jelly beans are only available in certain stages. Along with a description of what each bean does, this allows the player to learn and practice with each of the Blob’s abilities without worrying about the immediate threat of failure or death. Additionally, helpful signs placed throughout the game instruct players when a certain type of bean might be helpful, which is especially useful when a new bean is introduced or when the player is stuck.

-Lots of extra stages. I wasn’t really in the mood for these, but for fans of puzzle platformers I’m sure this is a welcome feature. Each main story stage features three treasure chests, and finding them all will unlock a bonus puzzle stage, effectively doubling the amount of play time.

-Two awesome final stages. I was really ticked off when I found out there were some additional main story stages after the end boss, but was relieved when I found out that I was suddenly in possession of the JELLYBEAN OF DOOM. It was a nice way to end the game and kept me from being completely disappointed by having to commit more time to a game I thought was done.

So overall, I think this is a good game, but maybe just not one for me. Fans of the original and/or fans of puzzle platformers will probably love it despite its flaws, so if this describes you I’d advise you to go ahead and give the game a try. Otherwise you might want to skip this one, because the sound of that kid’s voice is going to drive you insane after a while.

Blog fans with good memories will remember back in November when I asked if you wanted me to write a review for NHL 2008 or Final Fantasy Six for the December issue (bet you all wish you had picked NHL 2008 now, right?).

Well, the review for NHL 2008 wasn't chosen, so I decided to post it here as a blog entry, because it's literally dated, so it wouldn't work as a review for the next entry.

Minor Warning: I've never actually played this game. All I've done is seen advertisements for it played on the big screen during hockey games.

See, my family went on vacation to Chicago last month, and my sister and I went to see the Sharks/Blackhawks game on the 16th. I decided I would write some insightful comments based off the game trailer for the Gamecola Blog, but then Michalek scored in the first minute.

My sister jokingly suggested that we drink a beer each time somebody scored. I agreed.

The final score was 6-5.

So my comments about the game trailer are kind of, um...bad. In fact, it's pretty much copying the game trailer word-for-word. Anyway, here it is:

NHL Two Kate is the greatest game of hockey and playing. You can use the Wii-mote as a stick and check guys into the boards. With over three arenas and two, uh...thingies, it's guaranteed to be most fun you'll have all year. Play as all your favorite hockey guys, but not the girls. Girls don't play hockey.

Q: Why don't girls play hockey?
A: Because they have to change their pads between every period.

Ha ha ha, menstruation jokes are funny.

So now I guess I have to figure out what ratings to give the game, based off my review. Hmmm...

Fun: Apparently, it's the most fun you'll have all year.

Novelty: Wow! A hockey game! They've NEVER made a hockey game before! The idea of making a sports game is totally original!

Audio: At hockey games, the fans shout out things like "Fuck" and "BULLSHIT!". A lot. I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen in this game, which means the audio is completely unrealistic.

Visuals: It looks like a hockey game.

Controls: You can use your Wii-mote as a stick, apparently.

Replay Value: Hmmm...I guess it has to have a lot of replay value, because it's basically just playing a hockey game over and over and over again.

Overall: I could have used a few more mensturation jokes, to be honest.

Fun  6
Novelty  3
Audio  3
Visuals  5
Controls  7
Replay Value 7
Overall 6